Flourishing for me does not mean suffering for you. If it does, then we’re both doing it wrong. In my work as a grief expert, I help people heal from trauma and loss by exploring their relationship to growth and flourishing. True flourishing isn’t about gaining at someone else’s expense. Instead, it begins by releasing fear and control, both personally and collectively.
In healing from grief, flourishing and suffering are often misunderstood. Grief can push us into survival mode, where fear drives our decisions. But flourishing is possible, even amidst profound loss. It requires confronting fear and control. Tyler VanderWeele, a leading researcher on human flourishing, describes it as a state in which all aspects of life—mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual—are thriving.
Yet many of us hold back because we subconsciously believe that flourishing is scarce, as if someone else’s well-being threatens our own. This scarcity mindset, born from trauma, traps us in cycles of anxiety and self-preservation. But flourishing is abundant. It becomes possible when we let go of the need to control others, outcomes, and the unknown.
Our pursuit of flourishing is often limited by this misunderstanding. Subconsciously, we think someone else’s well-being is a threat, a belief rooted in fear, trauma, and the need to protect ourselves. But let’s unwind this fear-based foundation and refocus on the idea that flourishing means all aspects of life can be good.
So, what does “good” mean to you? Is it ease, simplicity, or the absence of negative experiences? How we define “good” for ourselves is crucial. Without it, we project our values onto others, comparing our lives and using those comparisons to control our experience. But comparison isn’t the way into flourishing.
As I’ve often said, individual healing is only possible within a healthy community, and a healthy community is only possible when we seek healing individually. If your community limits your understanding of “good” by fostering comparison, it might be worth considering whether this is blocking your path to flourishing.
When we define “good” around mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, we’re looking at internal states. Does this mean these areas will always be perfectly balanced? Of course not. But recognizing what’s good in these areas, and having access to the resources needed to nurture them, pushes us toward wellness and wholeness.
Take a moment to assess your own life. How are you doing mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Are any of these areas flourishing? Are any of them in need of support?
In my experience, we lose sight of flourishing when we fixate on external conditions. There will always be times when finances or external circumstances feel uncertain. If your sense of spiritual health has only ever been expressed outwardly—through actions or community—then any external disruption will naturally feel like a crisis.
Without a shared definition of human flourishing, we can’t fight the fear-driven behaviors of control and subjugation. At Restorative Grief, I guide people through the understanding that flourishing is possible, even in profound loss. But it requires us to confront our relationship with control—of ourselves, of others, and of the world around us.
Much of our suffering comes from trying to control outcomes that are beyond our reach. Our need for control is deeply tied to the nervous system’s desire for security. When life feels unpredictable, our sympathetic nervous system triggers fight, flight, or freeze, leaving us hyper-focused on others or overly worried about circumstances. This state of vigilance is not conducive to flourishing.
As VanderWeele emphasizes, flourishing is not just the absence of suffering; it’s the integration of our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual selves into well-being. When we become aware of our control-driven suffering—constantly worrying about others or how their actions impact us—we begin to recognize the root of that suffering. And this awareness is key because it creates space for choice: will we stay in suffering or begin to move toward flourishing?
Grief teaches us that control is an illusion. We cannot force peace or demand others act in ways that suit our desires. True flourishing invites patience, surrender, and trust in ourselves and those around us. It does not rely on the suffering of others or restricting their access to wellness or a supportive community.
The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing, especially in grief. Relinquishing control may even feel cruel after a significant loss, when the future feels uncertain. But this very fear keeps us locked in cycles of stress and hypervigilance, limiting our ability to flourish.
Reflect on your own life. How much mental energy do you spend trying to anticipate or control future outcomes? Does it bring peace?
VanderWeele’s work shows that flourishing doesn’t come from controlling others or outcomes. Instead, it’s deeply connected to autonomy and authentic relationships. Letting go of control doesn’t leave us powerless—it frees us.
One key to flourishing is adopting a growth mindset. Psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck’s research shows that failure isn’t the end—it’s part of the learning process. People with a growth mindset see challenges as opportunities for growth, not as threats to their self-worth. In grief, a growth mindset helps us believe flourishing is possible, regardless of external circumstances. That’s why assessing your internal state—your mind, body, heart, and spirit—is crucial. Believing your life is good, by your own definition, grows from a mindset of resilience and growth.
Emotional resilience is integral to healing in grief. A fixed mindset tells us that loss is inevitable and flourishing is too far off. But emotional resilience helps us face fear, release anxiety, and relinquish control over the future. Grief work is about integration. How can we live through heavy emotions and move toward flourishing? Dr. Richard Tedeschi’s research on post-traumatic growth shows that even after trauma, flourishing is possible. People emerge with stronger relationships, deeper appreciation for life, and renewed purpose.
When fear governs us, we often try to control others to feel safe. But the myth of control is just that—a myth. Flourishing comes from unconditional self-acceptance and building positive relationships, meaning, and accomplishments.
So, how do we flourish in the face of fear and uncertainty? How do we stop controlling others and start releasing our suffering? We begin by softening around our fear, approaching it with curiosity and compassion instead of anxiety. This creates space for growth, resilience, and joy.
A mindful awareness practice can help. When fear or the need for control arises, observe it with compassion. Ask yourself: What might be true of this fear? What does this fear need to soften? In your own time, you may even begin to ask what you can learn from this fear and who you are becoming in the aftermath of trauma or grief.
I want to revisit the definition of flourishing we shared at the top of this conversation. Flourishing is “a state in which all aspects of a person’s life are good.” But flourishing requires a conscious effort to release fear, let go of control, and embrace growth. True flourishing comes from recognizing that growth is possible, even through the challenges that scare us most. By practicing mindfulness, adopting a growth mindset, and welcoming vulnerability, we can transform fear into flourishing—one memory, one thought, one experience at a time.
Thank you for listening to episode 170 of Restorative Grief. I get it – the fear of releasing control is something we feel in our bodies. But if control is the framework to building the fullest, happiest, healthiest version of your life…then why aren’t you there yet? I’m a big believer in the embrace of uncertainty, and I hope this conversation on the value of working to transform fear into flourishing invites a hopeful version of uncertainty into your life even now.
If this is the first time you’ve tuned into the podcast, thank you for joining us! I hope you will take time to check out the show notes for links to Dr. Dweck and Tyler VanderWeele’s work, as well as the Patreon and workbook for this episode. Be sure to subscribe for future episodes and leave a review – I love hearing what you have to share!
And finally, as always, one last thing before we go. Please remember, the only solution for grief is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
Links + Resources from this episode: