I want to start this week’s conversation with a gentle reminder that if you are feeling reactivated in your body at this, it’s okay to pause and orient yourself in safety. Use this is a practice ground for facing down any of triggers in your own life that disallow your whole self to remain in the present moment. When we face the stories of abusive communities – present day or in the past – we are grieving on a collective level that cannot be addressed until we learn to grieve as individuals, too. So this week, I am speaking to both parts – the individual impacted in an abusive community and the community around them, seeking to minimize harm and cultivate space for healing.
To all the dysregulated nervous systems, to the humans afraid to speak, to the quietest mice hiding in the corners of every room, to the bodies traumatized by manipulation, to the hearts considering hardness for the sake of self-preservation, and to the spirits dampened by unholy rains, I say: You do not grieve alone. You will not grieve alone. You will be heard, noticed, and honored with compassion for your softness.
Grief is messy, but it is our avoidance of grieving that makes it messier. Time and again, we see a familiar pattern in communities—spiritual or otherwise—where harm goes unnoticed or unchallenged for too long. These are spaces meant to uplift, support, or guide people toward healing, yet they fall short, failing to hold themselves to the very standards they claim to uphold. As a trauma professional and someone who cares deeply about creating safe spaces for healing, I want to offer a balm for the soul and provide some direction for those of us navigating grief and harm within these spaces.
Many times, people in positions of power within a community can act with impunity, their actions left unchecked. Their charisma or influence often goes unquestioned, while the voices of those harmed by their actions are dismissed or silenced. These systems create a toxic environment where accountability is evaded, and those who attempt to raise concerns are labeled as overreacting, divisive, or disloyal. This pattern is not new—it’s as old as human nature—and it thrives in any environment where the balance of power is skewed and unchecked.
The hard truth is this: these harmful dynamics are often invisible until they are impossible to ignore. Maybe we admire the person, and can’t tolerate a dual understanding that they would cause harm. Perhaps there is a huge power dynamic in place, wherein we lack access to speak up and reflect harmful behaviors back to the persons in question. This is why our bodies are so critical in recognizing these dynamics—our nervous systems are wired to protect us in moments of perceived threat. The familiar fight-or-flight response is just the beginning…there are also responses where we freeze, flop, or fawn. Our brain recognizes patterns and activates a response, even if our cognitive awareness is cloudy or our emotional state is too raw. These dynamics are sustained by a culture of silence and fear, and that culture feeds off our collective reluctance to name and challenge the ways power is abused. The challenge for all of us, then, is to recognize these systems when they are in play and take action before the harm deepens.
How to Recognize Harmful Systems and Power Dynamics
The first step in addressing any abusive system is learning to identify the warning signs. Here are some common indicators:
- Lack of Accountability: Leaders or figures in authority are rarely questioned, and when they are, defenses are quickly raised. If accountability mechanisms are weak or nonexistent, this is a red flag.
- Dual Relationships and Ethical Gray Areas: When personal and professional roles blur, power dynamics become even more complicated. For example, someone acting as both a spiritual guide and a friend may hold undue influence over others, making it difficult for people to challenge them.
- Minimizing or Dismissing Harm: When harm is raised—whether it’s emotional, spiritual, or psychological—the response from the community or leadership is to downplay it, reframe it as a misunderstanding, or label those speaking up as overly sensitive.
- Fear of Speaking Out: If there’s a noticeable tension when people try to address concerns, or if individuals express fear of being ostracized for bringing up issues, it’s a sign that a power imbalance is at play. People should feel safe to express their discomfort without fear of reprisal.
- Emotional Manipulation: When a leader expresses guilt or cries in response to accusations, it can subtly shift the narrative, making those who raised concerns feel as though they are hurting the person in power, thereby silencing further critique. We don’t push back to cause harm, but because of that, we can remain silent thinking our harm is less important.
When you see these dynamics in play, it’s crucial to ask: Is this community, system, or leader fostering genuine connection and healing, or are they exploiting power to maintain control? If it’s the latter, it’s time to speak up or lend your support to those who are. Exploitation isn’t blatant – it’s subtle and easy to write off as a character quirk or as the status quo. And that’s what lets it remain intact, unchallenged.
What You Can Do to Support the Harmed
Supporting those who have been harmed within an abusive system requires empathy, courage, and active engagement. Here are ways to make a meaningful difference:
- Listen Without Judgment: Often, people in abusive systems fear speaking out because they are unsure how they’ll be received. If someone shares their experience of harm, listen with compassion. Don’t rush to conclusions or defend the accused before fully understanding the depth of the harm. Validation can be a powerful first step toward healing.
- Amplify Their Voices: For those who have been harmed, it can feel like shouting into a void when no one is willing to acknowledge their experience. Be a voice that stands with them. Whether it’s speaking up in meetings, supporting them on social media, or privately reassuring them that they are not alone, your validation helps break the cycle of silence.
- Challenge Harmful Narratives: In abusive systems, there’s often a push to dismiss or minimize the harm, to label it as an overreaction. Challenge this narrative, especially when you see it in public spaces. Ask others to consider whether they are perpetuating a harmful culture by invalidating the experiences of those who have been hurt.
- Encourage Accountability: Communities thrive when they hold their leaders to the same standards as everyone else. Advocate for transparency and clear paths to accountability. If leaders are unwilling to be held accountable, it may be time to reconsider the safety and integrity of the space. Humility should be evident, but if it is absent or feels suspect, it’s okay to trust your instincts and back away.
- Offer Practical Support: Sometimes, those who have been harmed need tangible support—help navigating their options, access to mental health resources, or even a listening ear. Offer what you can, and direct them to professionals who can provide further assistance if needed.
Why Grief Work is Essential
Grief is never limited to death, but when we talk about communities being torn apart by abusive dynamics, it can feel like a death anyway. Trust is lost. Safety is shattered. The vision of what that community once represented is no longer possible. And so, we grieve.
But we cannot grieve communally if we refuse to grieve as individuals. When we avoid our personal grief, it spills over into our interactions with others, leading to blame, infighting, and a lack of meaningful resolution. Avoidance allows the system to stay in place, while the wounds continue to fester. Grief work starts with acknowledging the harm and the loss, on an individual level. Only then can we collectively begin to heal.
Communities that avoid grief also avoid accountability. They rush to repair without understanding the depth of the harm done, which leads to more hurt down the road. When a system or a leader lacks the humility to face their role in the harm, the opportunity for healing vanishes.
Grief work, when done properly, invites us to look inward, reflect, and transform. It asks us to slow down and tend to our wounds, to the pain and trauma inflicted, and to the loss of what we once believed our community stood for. Only by engaging in this work—both individually and collectively—can we dismantle the harmful systems that allow abuse to thrive.
Moving Forward Together
As we grieve and reflect, we must hold space for each other’s pain, fight for accountability, and commit to breaking down the systems that allowed harm to grow. Healing is possible, but only if we do this work—individually and together. We must support those who have been harmed, challenge the systems that perpetuate the harm, and work to create spaces where safety, compassion, and integrity are prioritized.
Moving forward to dismantle power dynamics and systems of support include relinquishing the need to be platformed as individuals. When we continually allow the same voices and tones to speak from the microphone, we are listening to the same narratives. The way forward cannot be found without including or deferring to the groups traditionally marginalized and kept from the platforms. If you are in a position of leadership or influence, invite conversation around what leads to unhealthy dynamics and abuse of power. Go inward with others holding you accountable. Evangelicalism went so wrong with accountability groups focused on outward behaviors. It is the state of our inner worlds that leads us to ego-driven self-preservation and harm at the cost of our love for others.
As we grieve individually, we extend care outward. This is where we can begin to support those grieving, advocate for transparency, and question the systems that allowed harm to thrive. By grieving honestly and collectively, we can create something new, rooted in compassion, transparency, and true accountability – which is the whole reason we wanted to start a new community in the first place.
Thank you for listening to episode 186 of Restorative Grief. This conversation is ongoing – communities will continue to harbor abusive personalities and in some cases, even attract the type of people who thrive in the power dynamics we identified as harmful. That does not mean we bite our tongues or keep to the shadows. It means we light our candles, one at at time, to honor each individual survivor who speaks truth to power and to identify that not everyone makes it out or has safety enough to share. Each candle, gathered together, has the strength and energy to expose each dark corner where hope is needed the most.
If this is your first time listening, and you’re someone struggling with the idea of healing from an abusive community, I will include a few resources in the show notes around the work from within a spiritual community as well as non-spiritual communities. If you are struggling with your own individual healing work, or have a community that could use some extra support, please feel free to reach out for additional resources or to discuss what might be possible as a collaboration with Restorative Grief. I want to thank the patrons for their support of this show – you too can become a podcast supporter by visiting Patreon.com/MandyCapehart, and I also want to identify some of the beautiful souls who helped me through my own experiences of spiritual abuse and community healing. You know who you are, and I could not do any of this without you.
And as always, before we go, one last thing. Please remember, the only solution for grief is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
Links + Resources from this episode: