As we approach the holiday season, a time ripe for reflection and connection, it’s crucial to develop a strong bond with our inner world and core values. Thanksgiving, in particular, provides an opportunity to pause and appreciate the intricate dynamics of our lives, especially amidst chaos and conflict.
Grieving has taught me the profound lesson of recognizing how little I can control in life. In the midst of chaos, I realize that the key to maintaining a sense of connection lies in controlling my inner world. This involves becoming acutely aware of how the external world impacts me holistically—heart, mind, body, and spirit.
The journey begins with stillness. I must stop moving, stop fixing, stop teaching, and stop hurrying. By pausing, I become attuned to the discombobulation and disconnect within myself. This awareness allows me to identify whether I am living from my curated core values or from borrowed ones. Realigning my behaviors, thoughts, emotions, and sense of connection with my chosen core values becomes a deliberate pathway. This path empowers me to determine how much access and influence external circumstances have over my inner world. I approach this process through the lens of play, curiosity, imagination, rest, softening, and surrendering to the present moment as much as possible.
Grief is a profound and often transformative experience that teaches us about the limits of control. Grief is not something you get over. It is something you learn to carry. Grieving forces us to confront the harsh reality that many aspects of life are beyond our control. This realization, while initially daunting, can become a source of strength. By accepting the limits of our control, we can focus on what we can manage—our inner world.
Awareness and Alignment
Cultivating a sense of connection amidst chaos starts with becoming aware of how we are interpreting the external events in the first place. This involves a holistic approach, considering the impacts on our heart, mind, body, and spirit. Healing comes in waves, and each wave brings with it a deeper level of understanding and connection. By regularly tuning into our inner state, we can identify areas of misalignment and take steps to address them.
When we stop the constant motion—stop moving, fixing, teaching, and hurrying—we create space for self-reflection. This stillness allows us to notice where we feel disconnected or out of alignment. This introspection is what allows us to decide which new lens of movement and alignment will reconnect our whole selves to our inner world in a sustainable and meaningful way. Here are the six lenses I mentioned earlier, and a strategy for each for you to consider as a way to incorporate more ease and more awareness into your life.
The Lens of Play
One powerful strategy for cultivating connection through play is engaging in activities that bring joy and creativity. Play is not just for children; it is a vital aspect of adult life that fosters creativity, reduces stress, and enhances emotional well-being. Play is a way to reclaim parts of ourselves that were lost in the grind of daily life.
Strategy: Incorporate a “play hour” into your weekly routine. Dedicate this time to activities that bring you joy and allow you to express yourself creatively. This could be anything from painting, playing a musical instrument, or participating in a sport. The key is to engage fully in the moment, allowing yourself to experience the joy and freedom that play brings.
The Lens of Curiosity
Curiosity is a powerful tool for cultivating a deeper connection with our inner world. It encourages us to explore our thoughts and feelings without judgment, fostering a sense of wonder and discovery. Curiosity allows us to approach our inner experiences with openness and a desire to understand.
Strategy: Practice mindfulness meditation with a focus on curiosity. During your meditation, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings as they arise. Instead of labeling them as good or bad, approach them with curiosity. Ask yourself questions like, “Why do I feel this way?” or “What can I learn from this experience?” This practice helps cultivate a non-judgmental awareness of your inner world.
The Lens of Imagination
Imagination is our god given superpower for envisioning new possibilities, creating meaning, and fostering a sense of connection. It allows us to think beyond our current circumstances and explore new ways of being. Imagination is the key to unlocking new pathways for healing and growth.
Strategy: Create a vision board that represents your life and values. Use images, quotes, and symbols that inspire you and reflect your aspirations. This visual representation can serve as a powerful reminder of your goals and the values you want to live by. This is also significant because when we lack imagination and take on the values of another person, we are centering their expectations…which we know leads to guilt when we feel we’ve let them down. Regularly revisiting your vision board can help you stay connected to your aspirations and motivated to align your actions with your values.
The Lens of Rest
Rest is essential for maintaining a sense of connection and well-being. It allows our body and mind to recover from the stresses of daily life and provides the space needed for reflection and growth. Rest is not a luxury; it is a necessity for our well-being.
Strategy: Establish a regular rest routine that includes adequate sleep, relaxation, and self-care activities. This could involve setting aside time each day for activities that help you unwind, such as reading, taking a bath, or practicing gentle yoga. Prioritize getting enough sleep each night, aiming for at least 7-8 hours. By making rest a priority, you create the conditions necessary for maintaining a strong connection to your inner world.
The Lens of Softening
Softening involves cultivating a sense of gentleness and compassion towards ourselves. It means letting go of harsh self-judgment and embracing self-acceptance. This approach fosters a more nurturing and supportive inner world so that when you do notice that things are off-kilter, you have more access to the tenderness necessary to stay curious and open to what you need.
Strategy: Practice self-compassion exercises regularly. One effective exercise is the self-compassion break, developed by Dr. Kristin Neff. When you encounter a difficult situation, take a moment to acknowledge your feelings, remind yourself that suffering is a part of life, and offer yourself words of kindness and support. For example, you might say, “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.” This practice helps cultivate a more compassionate and supportive inner dialogue as well, which is often one of the first places we begin harming ourselves when we are trying to heal.
The Lens of Surrendering
Surrendering involves accepting the present moment as it is, without trying to change or control it. It means releasing resistance and embracing the flow of life. Surrendering is not giving up; it is allowing ourselves to be fully present and open to what is being offered by life in this moment.
Strategy: Incorporate a daily practice of what I call catch and release. This could involve journaling about the things you cannot control and consciously releasing your attachment to them. Another effective practice is mindful breathing, where you focus on your breath and imagine releasing tension and resistance with each exhale. This doesn’t mean we are surrendering to mistreatment, being abused, or taken advantage of. This means in our internal world, we are allowing ourselves to recognize, “I cannot force resolution here. I cannot force an outcome that is pleasing. But I can allow myself to be in the moment and pay attention to what might serve.” By regularly practicing letting go, you cultivate a sense of surrender and acceptance within yourself that allows your nervous system to stay regulated in the face of tension and chaos.
Integrating These Strategies
Integrating these strategies into your daily life can help you cultivate a deeper sense of connection amidst chaos and conflict. By approaching your inner world through the lenses of play, curiosity, imagination, rest, softening, and surrendering, you create a holistic and nurturing environment for growth and well-being.
Resilience During the Holidays
I remember a Christmas season shortly after the passing of a close family member. Feeling overwhelmed by the absence and the pressure of holiday expectations, I decided to simplify my celebrations. Instead of a large, festive gathering, I spent the day engaging in quiet reflection and honoring the memory of my loved one. I incorporated small, meaningful rituals, such as lighting a candle and sharing stories, which brought comfort and a sense of connection. If it sounds simple that’s because it is. It’s not a trick. I know the impulse to suspect trickery well, because simple can seem too good to be true when it comes to grief and loss. But through this experience, I discovered a deeper resilience and the importance of honoring my feelings, rather than adhering to external expectations.
Grieving well has taught me that while I cannot control the external world, I have the power to shape my inner world. By becoming aware of how external events impact me and realigning my actions, thoughts, and emotions with my core values, I can cultivate a sense of connection and peace. Healing is a journey, not a destination. By embracing this journey, I can navigate the chaos and conflict of life with grace and resilience. As we enter this Thanksgiving and holiday season ahead, let us take this time to develop a deeper connection with our inner selves and honor the core values that guide us through life’s challenges.
Thank you for listening to episode 162 of Restorative Grief. Supporting our inner world around the holidays is necessary – maybe even more so than year round. Shared dysregulation is not a family tradition you need to uphold. Let this year and these ideas be the support you need to review your own core values and inner world for the sense of peace you want to experience this holiday season.
If this is your first time listening to the show, I hope this encourages you to look inward with wonder and compassion toward the person you are right now and the person you are becoming. Share this episode with a friend you think could also benefit from a gentle reminder to soften toward themselves and chat me up on social media – I would love to hear what you think! If you want more information about Restorative Grief Coaching, as well as the Patreon and bonus content, check out the show notes or visit MandyCapehart.com. And as always, before we go, one last thing. Please remember, the only solution for grief is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
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