I am willing to bet that every single one of us has a person in mind when I mention estrangement, guilt, and grieving all together. It’s not a fun topic! But especially when we are grieving, we tend to get really clear about what behaviors we will or will not accept, and that means setting boundaries and potentially, leaving people behind. So this week, we’re going to talk about why that’s okay, how to have compassion for yourself and for them, and still hold both parties accountable while living through estrangement.
Estrangement is often a painful yet necessary decision, especially when relationships are no longer safe or aligned with our core values. Sometimes, stepping away is the only act of self-preservation available when harm has become a part of the dynamic. This is not a failure of love but a boundary for self-protection, often brought about by deeply harmful behaviors such as racism, sexism, homophobia, or other oppressive ideologies that compromise our emotional, physical, or psychological safety.
However, as with all boundaries, estrangement invites grief—grief over what was lost and what could have been. It’s a recognition that the relationship, despite its value at one time, can no longer continue in its current form. The grief of estrangement can often feel complicated because it involves mourning not only the loss of connection but also the loss of hope for what that relationship might have become if mutual respect and growth had been prioritized.
It’s important to acknowledge that estrangement doesn’t mean someone is wholly bad or evil; rather, it’s a response to behavior that is harmful or dismissive of your safety and well-being. The decision to estrange is never taken lightly, and it often reflects a deep conflict between love for the person and the recognition that continuing the relationship as it is causes more harm than good. While we can acknowledge the pain and even the regret that may come from distancing ourselves, it is not an invalidation of the relationship’s worth in the past, nor a permission slip for the behavior that created the distance.
On the other side of estrangement, the person left behind may offer statements like “sorry I failed you” in a bid to sidestep accountability. This phrase often reflects an unwillingness to address the deeper behaviors or beliefs that caused the rift in the first place. It’s a sentiment that acknowledges loss without acknowledging responsibility—an expression of sorrow that evades the real work of reconciliation, growth, and change. It’s important to recognize that such statements, while perhaps well-intended, can be a way to avoid the uncomfortable task of owning harmful behavior.
Yet even as we stand firm in our boundaries, we can hold compassion for the fact that the person who is now estranged may not fully understand why the separation occurred. They may feel hurt, confused, or defensive, grieving the relationship in their own way. And while their pain may be real, it does not negate the validity of the reasons that led to the estrangement in the first place. We can hold empathy for their experience without condoning or accepting the behavior that caused the harm. Compassion for both sides does not mean giving permission for the harmful actions to continue or allowing ourselves to become enmeshed again in harmful dynamics.
I want to pause for a moment and touch on the humility factor here. As someone needing to set a boundary, we must do the inner work first. Boundaries, as we discussed in past conversations, are not about controlling the other person. They are about recognizing what we want to experience in our own lives, and being clear and kind with others to help them remain connected to us in a way that feels good. When someone takes a boundary personally, as if it were about them, the estrangement possibility creeps in, demonstrating the other party’s lack of humility. Now, is this lack of humility intentional? Perhaps, but most often? Not at all. An unwillingness to shift in our beliefs or behaviors is typically a subconscious, embodied sense of self. You’re not just asking someone to stop saying racist things at the dinner table – you’re asking them to dismantle the beliefs that validate such statements, and to divest from communities or activities that validate the ideas in the first place.
This is no small task, but when a person seems to choose estrangement over growth, it’s not so black and white. The ability to recognize our growth or fixed mentality around embodied beliefs that cause harm is a long process – one even you and I are traversing in an ongoing manner. To believe our estranged friends and family can overcome such roadblocks immediately is unrealistic.
But it is also vital to reject a narrative that casts anyone as purely a victim or purely at fault. This isn’t a story of good versus evil, but rather a recognition that sometimes, even people we love or care for deeply can act in ways that are fundamentally incompatible with our values and safety. We do not owe continued proximity to harm or behavior that negates our humanity, and boundaries are a healthy, necessary response to protect our emotional and psychological well-being. Here is where we choose to set the boundary and in good faith, to watch for signs of a growth mentality beginning to flourish. Not the “Sorry I failed to meet your standard” kind of signs, but moments that signal curiosity and a willingness to learn something new.
This helps us move away from framing ourselves as victims of someone’s harmful behavior, or seeing the other party as simply unwilling to change. With a lens of compassion, we can look at estrangement as part of a larger process. It’s a decision that invites us to honor our own needs, while also recognizing that the other party may not be ready—or willing—to do the ongoing internal work required for reconciliation.
In this space of estrangement, it’s important to offer ourselves compassion. The grief that accompanies this process lives not just in our minds but in our bodies. We may carry the tension of unresolved conversations, the weight of unspoken words, or the pain of disconnection. To address this, I invite you to gently wrap your arms around yourself, creating a self-hug. Breathe deeply, feeling the security and warmth of your own embrace. Then, slowly open your arms, inviting space for healing and compassion. This somatic gesture is both an act of self-love and an invitation for grace—not only for yourself but for the complexity of the estranged relationship.
While reconciliation may not always be possible or even desirable, we can still grieve what has been lost. You have the right to grieve any experience you experience, no matter who you can “blame” for the situation. Estrangement doesn’t erase the value of what once was, but it does draw a clear line between what we can accept and what we cannot. In holding compassion for ourselves and others, we allow for the possibility of future growth—even if that growth happens separately.
Estrangement is a deeply personal decision, but it is one that reflects a commitment to self-care and integrity. We do not take this step lightly, and we should not feel pressured to explain, justify, or soften the boundaries we set in response to harm. Instead, we must trust that our well-being matters and that, by creating space between ourselves and harm, we are choosing the healthiest path forward for all involved.
When we consider the path forward for ourselves, we have to include the possibility of a lack of reconciliation. That does not mean we cannot find an experience of healing within ourselves or the relationship. One of the ways somatic movement can support us in this situation is to complete the act of love and inclusion that was not offered.
Somatic acts are often much smaller than we suspect. In this case, the sensation of an embrace we did not receive – the inclusivity or the invitation into a hug that we needed is absent. Giving ourselves a hug is a small act of self-acceptance that can release a lot of stuck emotions around rejection and loss. If you want to go through this somatic practice in a guided way, check out this month’s workbook on our Patreon. But for now, if you know you could use a hug, start with yourself. You might be surprised at how good a little self-love can feel.
Thank you for listening to episode 178 of Restorative Grief. How did that hug feel? My hope is that we can move away from the guilt of choosing estrangement when necessary as a boundary and hold that person in compassion still, despite any obvious choices to remain apart. It’s not easy, but that compassion can result in a lighter load to carry when we move toward ourselves for our own sake. You’re not doing any of this work to control the other person, absolve them, or to make excuses, but to lessen your own pain in trying to hold them accountable.
If this episode resonates with you, I hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast and be sure to leave a strong review. Grief work is not meant to be traversed alone, and Restorative Grief is here to make sure a community exists for you to explore your own grief needs with someone at your side.
Be sure to check out the show notes to join our Patreon and find the workbook, a bonus available for all paid members of the show. Thank you again to all the Patrons of Restorative Grief and as always, before we go, one last thing. Please remember, the only solution for grief, is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
Links + Resources from this episode:
- Join the Restorative Grief Patreon!
- Learn more about 1:1 coaching opportunities
- Buy Mandy’s book on grieving
- Subscribe to the Restorative Grief quarterly