This week, we are exploring the nuance between grieving alone and being alone in one’s grief. As we look for restoration, it often feels like we’re searching alone and when our grief story includes trauma as well, the feeling of being alone is amplified. Knowing how to ask for support, and identify potential risk factors of being isolated in our losses is how we can ensure a healthy and hopeful pathway for our grief work.
Grieving alone and being alone in your grief are distinct experiences. We may use the words loneliness and alone interchangeably, but they’re quite different. Grieving alone refers to the intentional choice to process grief privately. It can involve personal rituals, reflection, and solitude, which some individuals find healing. When we are intentional in our alone time, we set ourselves up for a period of introspection, self-compassion, and allow our own understanding to lead the way. Eventually, we can lean toward others from a positive stance, inviting them into our process and story for the benefits of being connected and grieving with a witness – which we will chat more about in a moment.
In contrast, being alone in your grief implies a lack of support or connection. This is often due to external factors such as social isolation prior to the loss, or from our internal barriers like fear of vulnerability. We can be alone in our grief and consistently surrounded by people, too. Isolation and loneliness grow when we do not feel seen, heard, or known and as grievers, those three characteristics of relationship set a high bar. In this new state of being as a griever, it can be so challenging to know what would make us feel seen, heard, or known. We may have a traumatic history with the people in our proximity, which creates more distance from the possibility of connection. We need the people around us to demonstrate safety and attunement, but when they can’t, our only option may be to practice grieving alone.
So let’s explore a few benefits of being connected to others while grieving. If you’re new to Restorative Grief, you may not know that I am a big fan of inviting people in for a witness to your journey. Bringing others to hear you, see you, and get to know you teaches you that you and your story matter. We tend to minimize our grief stories and the importance of being seen when we’re in pain, because we don’t want our vulnerability or needs to put a strain on our relationships. And I get that, but I also know the value of allowing your authentic relationships to support you in a meaningful way. That’s what relationships are for in the first place.
One of the primary benefits of communal grieving is the emotional support provided by others. Peer-reviewed research by Stroebe et al. (2007) highlights that social support can buffer against the adverse effects of grief, reducing feelings of loneliness and depression. Shared experiences and expressions of empathy can validate one’s feelings and provide comfort. As the author C.S. Lewis wrote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'” On the same note, engaging with others allows for the sharing of memories and stories about our shared experiences of loss, which can be a crucial part of the healing process. Neimeyer and Burke (2011) found that narrative reconstruction—rebuilding a coherent story of the deceased’s life and death with the help of others—can aid in meaning-making and acceptance. This type of grief witnessing validates our positive and negative feelings about the situation as well, deepening our understanding of grief and of ourselves. And lastly, connection in grief work can provide help in the day to day needs of life. Communal support often extends beyond emotional comfort to include practical assistance, such as help with daily tasks, funeral arrangements, or managing finances. This support can alleviate the additional stress that often accompanies grief, allowing you to focus on your emotional healing.
There are also benefits to maintaining solitude in your grief, which we mentioned briefly. When we cultivate time alone, we have the space needed for introspection and personal reflection. This time alone allows us to process our thoughts and emotions without external distractions. Research from author and professor George A. Bonanno (2004) suggests that some degree of solitude can be beneficial, fostering resilience and personal growth. Being alone can also give us greater control over our grieving process. We can choose when and how to engage with our emotions and with other people, which is particularly important for those who feel overwhelmed by social interactions or societal expectations about grief.
In our solitude, we begin to develop inner strength and confidence. Our self-reliance surfaces as we face grief independently, too, allowing us to discover coping strategies and develop skills in resiliency that we didn’t see coming before. This sense of empowerment is a powerful motivator to stay present with grief work, too. And truly, if we find we are grieving alone, we can use this time to become intentional toward our own inner world and needs. Self-attunement provides insight into what is not helpful, allowing us to communicate more clearly when we are ready to approach others and invite them into the process.
While solitude can be beneficial, prolonged isolation in grief can be detrimental to one’s mental health. Being alone in grief, especially when it results from a lack of support or social withdrawal, can lead to feelings of abandonment, despair, and even exacerbated mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. A study by Hensley and Clayton (2008) underscores that social isolation is a significant risk factor for complicated grief and adverse health outcomes. Furthermore, we know grief isolation can be exacerbated by traumatic circumstances surrounding a death. Violent deaths and deaths by suicide often leave survivors grappling with complex emotions including guilt, anger, and profound sadness. These traumatic elements can isolate grievers, making it challenging for them to reach out for support. If you’re in a situation where traumatic grief is present AND you are experiencing isolation in your grief, it is time to do the hard thing and connect with someone else. This doesn’t mean you’re committed to a new way of doing grief work. This means you are simply experimenting with something new to see if it will help you heal.
One simple step for grievers to become more open to connecting with others is to join a support group. These groups provide a safe space to share experiences and receive support from others who have experienced similar losses. The shared understanding and empathy within these groups can be incredibly validating and comforting. Another step is to reach out to trusted friends or family members. It can be helpful to express one’s needs and feelings directly, whether seeking someone to listen, provide practical help, or simply spend time together. Building a small, trusted support network can mitigate feelings of isolation.
But what if you’re living in a care desert where your community lacks resources for support? What if your family of origin lacks safety and attunement, or your friends aren’t ready to handle your heavy load side by side? My friends, that’s exactly why we built the Restorative Grief Project. Beginning to witness another person’s story in grief is the start of allowing your own story to gain some ground and validation for sharing. It’s why support groups are a lovely option for those ready for them; you practice listening, and you practice sharing. You learn what helps you and what doesn’t help you. I understand the discomfort – trust me – but I also understand that when discomfort is allowed to remain for a time, even welcomed, it will dissipate in favor of room to grow and heal.
You may fell, from time to time, that you want to grieve alone for a time, and that’s okay – we can all benefit from going to ground and learning to take root in the spaces that feel like healing. In the space where we find nourishment. But we are human, designed and intended for connection and relationship. If you find yourself alone in your grief, it’s time to explore if this is the right place to grow, or if you’re ready to open yourself and become curious about a new way to heal.
Thank you for listening to episode 144 of Restorative Grief. Grieving is a deeply personal process that can be influenced by many factors, including the nature of the loss and individual coping mechanisms. While solitude can offer valuable opportunities for reflection and personal growth, prolonged isolation in grief is a sign of unhealth and can lead to adverse mental health outcomes. By understanding the benefits of both communal support and solitude, we can navigate our grief in a more meaningful and intentional way. If you’re feeling the nudge to connect, start by joining The Restorative Grief Project on Facebook. This free, private group is low-demand, which means you’ll be free to follow the self-guided curriculum in the group, connect with others in grief specific chats, or simply observe and learn more about what it means to be a griever with support.
If this is your first time listening to the show, thank you for trusting me to join your grief journey. It is a great honor to hear your feedback and to know you are trusting your most vulnerable heart with me through it all. Please be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review – I love to hear how Restorative Grief is serving you and what else you might want to learn.
And as always, before we go, one last thing. Please remember, the only solution for grief is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
Links + Resources from this episode:
- Join the Restorative Grief Project on Facebook
- Learn more about Restorative Grief Coaching
- Join our Patreon
- Connect on socials