Knowing how to restore ourselves is part of our grief work, but we must remember: we do not live or heal in isolation. So often, grievers find their relationships on the margins while working through loss. Holding space for ourselves is hard enough – so we can’t be expected to hold space for others too often. But when we are ready to rebuild those friendships, how can we know where to start? This week’s conversation is intended to cut the awkwardness of accidental ghosting by implementing a simple communication strategy to help you heal with your people instead of away from them.
Communication skills are crucial for healthy interpersonal relationships, but when grief enters the chat, our ability to form basic sentences often takes a back seat. Being expected to hold a full conversation? Maybe, but only for a few minutes before brain fog and fatigue set in. It’s just the natural way of grief – our nervous systems are overtaxed and working to eliminate all seemingly unnecessary energetic outputs. While our friendships are not unnecessary, we do need to recognize that the ebb and flow of relationships is natural and expected when life gets too intense.
But the challenge is recognizing that our pulling away to protect our energy reserves means we also remove a valid source of support and compassion from our friends, which can be pretty difficult for them, too. They miss us. That makes sense. And usually, we miss them. But getting back to one another can be uncomfortable and confusing on where to begin.
That’s why I love this communication strategy as an approachable method of rekindling our friendships when we need them the most. You may already know that within Restorative Grief, I’m a huge fan of keeping your inner circle small, honest, and intimate. We don’t need 10 people watching our back while we work to heal, but only a few we can trust – and I mean trust – with everything. But even that is challenging because a relationship is not one-sided. As grievers, we need a bit of a reminder that even while we are hurting, we can offer an attuned relationship to our close people without internalizing their stories or minimizing our own.
The SLANT method of communication is designed to improve our engagement with others and reactivate our active listening skills, without centering our experiences on the speaker’s story. Often we’ll share an anecdote to relate to another and create resonance (the whole, “You’re not alone because I’ve been there, too,” thing). But using the SLANT method, we can create more interaction, understanding, and attunement without making the moment about our grief stories. We can facilitate healthier communication with the people that matter to us the most, right when it counts.
If you haven’t guessed already, SLANT is an acronym with five simple instructions. Let’s go over them briefly and then talk about why this is such a beneficial strategy for grievers and practical steps to implement the strategy without too much overwhelm.
The SLANT Acronym
SLANT stands for “Sit Up, Lean Forward, Ask Questions, Nod Along, and Track the Speaker.” Sit up is just about maintaining good posture, inviting your brain and body to align with your intentions to listen.
Leaning forward slightly demonstrates your interest in the person speaking – conversely, leaning away, back, or crossing your arms can indicate you’re closed off or disinterested.
Asking questions shows active awareness of their story, and can help you better understand their point of view. Be mindful that your questions are not leading with some kind of judgment, such as, “Are you kidding me?” or “Why would you think something like that?” Helpful questions sound more like, “Can you say more about that?”, “How did that impact you?”, or even statement style questions that affirm their experience such as “Help me understand what you’re experiencing.” Asking questions is to create understanding, not to create a solution or check list for their problems.
Nodding along with your friend shouldn’t leave you feeling like a bobblehead – it should feel natural at the points that you affirm your own comprehension of what they’re saying, and that you’re following the story even if you don’t fully agree.
Tracking the speaking means maintaining appropriate eye contact, visually following them (if they’re moving around), and staying in the same room as them. This supports concentration on their words, demonstrates respect, and keeps your mind from moving to the next task, project, or topic.
Specific Benefits of SLANT for Grievers
Rebuilding and healing our relationships with others after a period of being withdrawn can feel uncomfortable. But we don’t run away from discomfort as Restorative Grievers, do we? We stay with it, honor what we can learn from it, and move toward our future selves and others for a more lasting way of being together.
By sitting up and slightly leaning forward toward the person, we are signaling to the body that we are interested in the moment. This intentional posturing invites our autonomic nervous system to enter into the ventral vagal state of openness and attunement, where connection can happen.
Asking questions helps us move from passive to active in our relationships, which is crucial! Reciprocity is a basic principle of a healthy connection. We don’t show up for others simply to receive from them, but we cultivate honest exchanges where we can feel more involved in the lives of our friends and also, remind ourselves that we are not without our own skills to support others, even while grieving. Be sure to ask open-ended questions, inviting more than a one word response.
Non-verbal communication methods such as nodding along and tracking the speaker with our eyes generates empathy and understanding without having to articulate our thoughts – which is especially useful when words are hard to find. We demonstrate our willingness to be with someone by staying present and respecting their voice. I know this is one thing we are often lacking in our own grief support, so if you’re grieving and not ready to move toward someone else in their story, perhaps offering your loved ones this episode as an invitation to come toward you would be helpful, too.
In the early days of grief, knowing how to say anything to anyone is difficult. SLANT offers a structured approach to gradually rebuild our confidence in social settings and in one-on-one conversations. Active listening and engagement, especially when we ask open-ended questions, helps grievers form deeper emotional connections and refines our verbal and non-verbal communication skills.
When my mom first died, I opted to shut down my communication skills for a bit. I would show up in public wearing sunglasses (in and outdoors), headphones, and carrying a book. My props were useless – I didn’t want to listen to anything and reading was a skill I could not manage at the time, and sunglasses indoors? Ridiculous. But someone holding my gaze was too raw for me. Pretending to read meant I could discourage conversation by appearing lost in my book. And with headphones, I could pretend I didn’t hear anyone even if they wanted to interrupt me (and a shocking number of people did interrupt my “reading” all the time)! This intentional isolation strategy created a commonplace feeling of loneliness and being misunderstood, which I eventually hated, but wasn’t sure how to overcome. SLANT can help us create more positive and meaningful social interactions instead of leaving us afraid to even make eye contact with someone.
But honestly, my favorite benefit of SLANT is the control offered to grievers. Each of the five steps invites me to remain in the moment and authentically choose how to offer myself to the moment. I’m the boss of me. I’m aware of what I want to say and how I want to hold space for my friend, and I can do so with intention. I don’t need to rely on preplanned remarks or canned responses like platitudes to survive the story of another, and I don’t need to worry about a specific outcome either, because I’m only here to listen, support, and receive.
So How Do We Get Started?
If you’re ready to surface and try the SLANT method for yourself, begin with a low-pressure social setting. Lower stakes situations like a support group or even a safe, small family gathering can help you test the waters without too much exposure. Be mindful of your energy levels – just because you have this new strategy doesn’t mean you need to disregard your self-awareness and self-compassion. If you’re too tired, too spent, too overwhelmed, apply your wisdom and rest so you can show up feeling aware and ready to be present.
As you grow more comfortable, you may be ready to gradually increase the size of your gathering or the complexity of the situation. Observe your confidence levels with each application of SLANT. Do you notice your confidence rising? How can you tell? How many positive interactions can you remember? It is also a good time to inform your friends and family of what you’re implementing, and get their feedback. This can help you understand how your communication is perceived and make adjustments if necessary. By using SLANT, you are also teaching others how you want to be treated. Through showing interest with active listening and thoughtful reflection in return, others see you are present and ready to attune with their friendship once again. There’s never a reason to apologize for pulling back in your friendships, unless you actively caused harm. The understanding friend will see where you’ve been, where you’re standing now, and be willing to choose to move forward alongside you as you both heal, learn, and grow.
Thank you for listening to episode 156 of Restorative Grief. If all of this sounds great, but you still have no idea if you’re ready or how it could help you with any lingering social anxiety or fear of judgment, reach out to me. Professional support and coaching is the right environment to practice these skills and address any underlying issues related to your grief story that may need extra support, too.
If this is your first time listening to the show, thank you for offering yourself a chance to heal a little bit further today. Check out the show notes for links to our Patreon, more information about Restorative Grief Coaching, and to connect with me on social media. Remember to subscribe and leave a review as well, if you haven’t done so yet. And before we go, as always, one last thing. Please remember, the only solution for grief is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
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