When we think about uncertainty, especially as grievers, we often believe that getting some clarity or answers will make us feel better. This mindset causes us to feel stuck because, even though we know better and have access to what is true, it can be hard to trust what we think is true. So this week, I’m sharing four exercises to disarm those skeptical, stuck mindsets and to deepen trust in yourself through holistic and gentle practices you can integrate any time, any where.
Learning to trust when we are grieving involves recognizing the internal and external factors that affect us and making an intentional choice for our next best thing. There’s always something happening outside that impacts our internal world. This is a crucial lesson for us as humans: understanding that external experiences affect our internal experiences without our consent. If we don’t accept this truth, we’ll keep feeling like everything happens to us, and we’ll keep asking, “Why me?”
Instead of asking why things happen, we need to ask what we want to experience internally in response to external events. This includes losses, traumas, or even unexpected positive experiences that affect us in ways we didn’t foresee. Grief shakes our internal lives by dismantling the external supports we relied upon for survival and belonging, so it makes sense that our healing begins when we recognize and rebuild our internal sense of self – who are we today that we weren’t yesterday? Who will we become tomorrow? Wrestling with uncertainty and an uncontrollable future doesn’t mean we need to plan everything or live in hypervigilance. We’ve already done that, believing that hypervigilance equaled safety because we trusted the plans we made and the security measures we took.
A friend of mine, who is very safety-minded, once told me, “I’ve already worked out all the details of what could go wrong and how to prevent things from spiraling, so trust me when I say that if I’m relaxed, you can be relaxed.” While she wasn’t wrong about the immediate situation, my hypervigilance wasn’t about her; it was about not trusting my own understanding or situational awareness. Moving out of hypervigilance requires us to rewrite the internal narrative we have on repeat. We need to interrupt the negative loop and ask, “What could be a more useful narrative for me right now?”
Changing this narrative starts with recognizing where it comes from and why it has stuck with us. Imagine rereading a book you learned about in third grade every year until your senior year, only to finally realize what you thought was a great story as a kid turned out to be a pretty poorly written book. This revelation gives you the chance to rethink your beliefs and see things differently. Why? Because your understanding of the world has changed, and with it, your perspective.
To build trust in ourselves and move away from hypervigilance, we need to check in with our holistic selves: heart, mind, body, and spirit. Our body can’t lie; it reacts to threats and safety without overthinking. Our spirit and sense of instinctual truth connects us to our true selves and helps us understand our place in the world. We have a choice in grief (and life) to encounter resistance with swords, aggression, and all the spitfire within us. Or we can recognize a shift in our external lives as a chance to soften and surrender. This is where we start a new practice of believing ourselves when we respond some kind of way – whether we respond verbally, physically, mentally, or spiritually.
Cultivating trust in ourselves and the future involves dealing with our current experiences and recognizing that we can change our perspectives. Learning about ourselves is a lifelong process, and we shouldn’t expect that doing these things will make everything okay. Nothing is that simple or black-and-white. Life and healing are always a work in progress, so the more we trust ourselves to continue this work, the more we will find a little more certainty—not in the absence of grief or external events, but in our sense of self. Frankly, certainty in who we are is the only certainty worth pursuing. As we know, we experience a loss of self when we grieve because we tend to define ourselves in relation to others or the roles we fill in life. Cultivating a strong sense of identity and learning to trust ourselves about who we are helps us remain steady when things begin to shake again.
One practical exercise to help grievers develop more trust in themselves is grounding through body awareness. This somatic practice can reconnect you with your physical sensations and help you feel more present and secure.
Steps for Grounding Through Body Awareness:
- Find a Quiet Space: Choose a place where you can sit or lie down comfortably without distractions.
- Focus on Your Breath: Begin by taking slow, deep breaths. Inhale through your nose, hold for a count of four, and exhale through your mouth. Repeat this several times until you start to feel more relaxed.
- Scan Your Body: Starting at your toes, slowly bring your attention to each part of your body. Notice any sensations without judgment. Are there areas of tension, warmth, or coolness? Work your way up to your head, acknowledging each part of your body.
- Ground Your Feet: If you’re sitting, place your feet flat on the ground. If you’re lying down, feel the support beneath you. Imagine roots growing from your feet (or back) into the earth, grounding and stabilizing you.
- Feel the Support: Acknowledge the physical support your environment provides. Feel the chair supporting your back, the floor beneath your feet, or the bed under your body. Allow yourself to trust this support.
- Engage Your Senses: Bring your attention to the present moment by noticing what you can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. Describe these sensations to yourself to anchor your awareness in the here and now.
- Affirmation of Trust: As you complete the exercise, repeat a simple affirmation to yourself, such as “I trust my body” or “I am grounded and safe.” This reinforces your sense of trust in your body’s ability to support you.
By regularly practicing grounding through body awareness, you can cultivate a stronger connection to your physical self, which in turn helps build trust in your internal experiences. This body based or somatic practice can be especially helpful during times of grief, providing a tangible way to anchor yourself amid emotional turmoil. If you want to pursue support for your mind, you might try a positive affirmation journaling. This is a cognitive exercise rooted in positive psychology. It focuses on identifying and reinforcing positive beliefs about oneself, which can help develop self-trust. If you’re drawn to a more emotional support tool, a gratitude practice can help develop trust in yourself by fostering a positive emotional state and enhancing your overall sense of well-being. And lastly, a loving-kindness meditation, also known as Metta meditation, is a spiritual practice that promotes self-compassion, emotional resilience, and self-trust. This exercise helps individuals cultivate a sense of inner peace and positive regard towards themselves and others, which is essential for developing self-trust.
On their own, each practice is powerful and life-changing. Combined? There’s no telling how confident and trustworthy you’ll grow over time. Trusting yourself and dealing with uncertainty are not about having all the answers but about feeling secure in your ability to navigate whatever comes your way. With consistent practice, these exercises can help you develop a deeper sense of self-trust and resilience as you cultivate daily experiences of healing.
Thank you for listening to episode 146 of Restorative Grief. If you’re still not sure that you’re a trustworthy person or if this kind of work is worthwhile for your grief story, get a pen and write this down: “I am becoming a new version of myself, and that version of me is someone I can trust.” I know we’re often told to search out the ideal version of ourselves, but what if there IS no ideal version? What if who we are right now is ideal because we’re here, and we can choose to head in a new direction tomorrow? I think the possibility and openness (and the hope) in that thought is far more trustworthy and interesting than lamenting on our past failures and wondering if we’ll ever feel better when we’re the only ones responsible for our healing. So if that headspace sounds like you right now, I hope this conversation is a gentle reminder that you can be trusted – with yourself and with others.
If this is your first time listening to the show, thank you for trusting me to guide you closer into your grief. Your work is not in vain, and if you want to go deeper with it, visit Patreon.com/MandyCapehart to gain access to our episode workbooks and additional content to help you heal. Please remember to subscribe to the show and leave a review so other grievers can find this work and finally, before we go – as always, one last thing. Please remember, the only solution for grief is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
Links + Resources from this episode:
- Body: Additional grounding exercises
- Mind: Positive affirmation journaling
- Heart: Gratitude practice
- Spirit: Metta meditation
- Patreon.com/MandyCapehart for workbooks
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