What can we do with our anger? Ooof, if that isn’t one of the most common questions I hear. Anger is a natural, protective part of grief – but most of us were never taught what to do with it. In this episode of Restorative Grief, we’ll explore safe, somatic ways to express anger without shame, bypass, or harm. You’ll walk away with practical tools, deeper understanding, and maybe even a little gratitude for the rage that’s been trying to keep you safe.
Let’s cut to it—grievers get angry. And not talking about irritation. I’m talking about that bone-deep, throw-something, scream-cry into a pillow kind of anger. The kind that tightens your chest and makes your skin buzz. The kind that feels like it will eat you alive if you don’t do something with it.
So that’s what we’re talking about today: What can I do with my anger? Especially when I want to honor my grief and not bypass it.
Let’s start here: Anger is not the enemy. In fact, anger is one of the most honest things your body can express. And your body? It’s brilliant. It knows what it’s doing. Anger often shows up as a secondary emotion—a protective shell for something much softer underneath. Fear. Sadness. Disappointment. Betrayal. Exhaustion. It’s easier to feel fury than to face those things. So our nervous systems step in and give us anger to keep us upright.
In my work, I think every single one of my clients has heard me say that anger is not the enemy, but a protector. It’s not necessarily trying to help you heal, but it is trying to help you stay safe. This is why somatic expression as part of the work is so helpful. As a reminder, somatic simply means “of the body.” And when we grieve, our bodies carry every single part of it. Not just the pain, but our anger, too.
So you want to know what you can do with your anger?
Let it be heard.
Let it move.
Let it tell the truth.
Because anger that remains unexpressed turns into other things—resentment, disconnection, or anxiety. Sometimes it turns into physical pain. Headaches. Stomach aches. Fatigue that won’t quit. Sometimes we recognize anger easily, but other times, it remains a mystery. Personally, I would have told you “I’m not an angry person” for decades of my life. Part denial, part rapid-emotional processing, I was dead wrong but had convinced myself that anger was not a real part of my story. Admitting I struggle with anger as my first expression to many things allowed me to get curious about why my anger was rising so quickly. What tender, more vulnerable emotion might it be protecting me from experiencing?
So if your body is telling you it’s angry, here are three somatic things you can explore as an option. And as a quick note: when it comes to somatic work, safety first. If these expressions do not have safety connected to them – either with a safe person, place, or things – it’s perfectly okay to skip over them. It’s also perfectly okay to reach out and ask for other options.
1. Shake It Out. Literally.
Put on music and shake your limbs like you’re shaking water off. Start at your hands and work your way to your feet. This tells your nervous system, “We’re not frozen. We’re safe enough to move.”
2. Slam Something That Won’t Break You.
Tear paper. Throw ice in the bathtub. Hit a pillow. I’m a big fan of kicking a soccer ball into a goal with a net or working on my throw-ins. Let it be cathartic—but intentional. Don’t bypass the sensation. Don’t shame yourself for feeling it. Complete the cycle of anger within by allowing it to be moved through your body in an energetic release.
3. Speak What’s True. Even if it’s Unreasonable.
Say the thing out loud: “I’m furious they’re gone.” “I can’t believe this is my life now.” “I hate that no one gets it.”
Your voice matters. And when you speak your rage, you loosen its grip.
Spiritual writer Richard Rohr talks about the value of “sorrowful things” that break us open. He says tears are prayers, and I believe anger is, too. Anger is a prayer of fire—begging the world to notice what’s been broken. And author Valarie Kaur, in her beautiful work on justice and grief, asks this question: “What if this is not the darkness of the tomb, but the darkness of the womb?”
Maybe your rage isn’t just about what ended. Maybe it’s about what’s beginning. Maybe your anger is trying to birth something new.
But let me be clear: You don’t have to “do” anything with your anger to earn rest or peace. You only need to be honest with it. To listen for what it’s protecting. To move it safely. To thank it for showing up—and not let it drive the car.
This is what we mean by restorative grief. Grief that doesn’t just burn everything down—but builds something beautiful from the ashes. Grief that honors every part of you—even the parts that scream. Grief that asks, “What now?” and waits patiently for the answer.
So next time the anger surfaces, don’t try to suppress it – invite it to remain. Ask it what it needs. Give it a name. Let your body move it through. Because you are not too much. Your rage is not too loud. And your grief is worthy of safe expression.
Thank you for listening to episode 192 of Restorative Grief. Anger is one of those things that remains as a gift – and I know, that seems awful to say, but bear with me. In our awareness, we can recognize the injustice or harm we encountered, and go another direction the next time we’re faced with it. Anger is information, and kindness, and a helper. I appreciate my anger, because it reminds me to check in with myself. I hope it does the same for you.
If this is your first time listening to the show, I am so grateful you are here. Please be sure to check out the show notes so you can learn more about becoming a financial supporter and partner of the podcast. And a happy little shout out to the current patrons – thank you for all of your support! The monthly bonus episodes and workbooks for each episode are just a few of the benefits of being a patron, so if you are interested, you should listen to that instinct. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast wherever you get your shows for a fresh episode every Sunday. And if you have not yet left a review, please do so! I love to hear what you think and positive reviews help other people find this show as well. And before we go as always one more thing. Please remember, the only solution for grief is to do the work of grieving. Thank you for listening. I’ll see you next week.
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